It's been a while since I've sat down and actually put my thoughts on to a page. Or, well, a screen. Call it a lack of inspiration, but not just in blogging - in almost all areas of my life. I've been drifting about, going through the motions, getting on with my daily life without really feeling like I was living it. I'm not going to go all Black Mirror: Bandersnatch and say that it felt like someone else was controlling me, but I did feel like a bystander in my own life.
A couple of months ago, a close friend sat me down and asked if I was happy. I realised that I wasn't. I used to suffer with depression (I will write a more detailed post on this at some point when I finally pluck up the courage). However, I knew that didn't have the same dark feeling that I used to. I wasn't sad - but I wasn't happy either. I just felt emotionless, detached from everything around me. I'd been living in London almost 4 years at this point, and that had also been taking its toll on my mental health. Whenever I'm there, I suffer from a feeling of needing to be 'switched on' constantly. You come to London because you want to 'make it'. If I stopped for even a minute, I felt like I was failing, which led to quite a lot of anxiety.
I think it began in the summer, when started to have doubts about my career in fashion journalism. After an internship at a well-known newspaper's magazine supplement, it all got a little too Devil Wears Prada for me. I still love fashion, but - I'm not going to lie - it's an extremely difficult industry to be in, mentally. You have to have a really thick skin and not be afraid to stare failure right in the face. You have to have the tenacity to keep trying, even when people tell you 'no'. And, this is an industry where you do have to be 'on it', constantly. Maybe these are qualities that I just don't possess - at least, not right now. Quite a few people I know will probably be reading this thinking, 'you just don't have what it takes'. This is a common view, so I don't blame them, especially when the fact that you stretch yourself thin working for free is just accepted as a part of the industry. So - I decided that I couldn't be in it.
I'd chosen an extremely specific Masters because I'd been so certain of my path. So since I had this revelation, I lost almost all sense of direction and purpose in my life. I came close to dropping out. In the end, I convinced myself to finish it, and came out the other end with a Merit. I still like the university I attended and I'm grateful I had the chance to encounter some of the most interesting, unique, and creative people I've ever met. But I just realised it wasn't for me, right now. Since I knew this from around summertime, I spent the next few months wondering what to do with myself. Come December and the end of my masters, I still didn't have an answer. So I decided to move home, back to Warrington, for a few months while I figure out my next move.
Knowing myself, I'll probably get bored and want to move back after a few months. I will be spending some time travelling, because I'm happiest abroad (if you follow me on Instagram you'll see I went to Moscow for New Years, and I'm going to Cancun in a couple of weeks). I'm fortunate in that at the minute I have options, I'm financially stable and have savings; but money was another reason I chose to move home. I decided that I'd rather spend my savings on trips abroad I'll treasure forever rather than burn through it on rent and the expensive cost of living in London. So this move wasn't necessarily what I wanted - but it was definitely what I needed. As for my career, I'll keep you guys posted...
JUMPER: & OTHER STORIES
BAG: SAINT LAURENT (lol jk, it's a free garment bag you get when you buy jeans from them)
Photos were taken by my lovely friend Vlad xoxo